15 Funniest golf quotes

All Square 2 min read • 14 Apr 2020

“They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” That has to be true! But who said it? Here’s some funny quotes which prove you need a sense of humour to play this game.

“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it.”

Ted Ray, British professional golfer, winner of two Major championships

“I know I am getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.”

Gerald Ford, 38th President of the United States

“The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.”

Ben Hogan, 9-time Major champion

“If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron.”

Lee Trevino, 6-time Major champion with 29 PGA Tour wins

“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.”

Bob Hope, British-American stand-up comedian

“If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would’ve been a great shot.“

Sam Snead, 82-time PGA Tour winner

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

Tiger Woods, 15-time Major champion and PGA Tour wins record holder

“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.”

Lee Trevino, 6-time Major champion with 29 PGA Tour wins

“Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.”

Jim Murray, Hall of Famer and American sportswriter

“These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.“

Sam Snead, 82-time PGA Tour winner

“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 50 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea of how to play.”

Gary Player, 9-time Major winner

“The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing”

Phyllis Ada Diller, American actress

“I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.”

Harry Toscano, American golf professional

“Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose”

Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister

“Golf is a good walk spoiled”

Mark Twain, American writer, humorist, entrepreneur and publisher

2 Comments

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Mark

6 years ago

Thanks for these, all very true… However I have to attribute the “white guy dressed like a black pimp” joke to dearly departed Robin Williams, Live at the NY Met in 1986. If you haven’t seen it yet, you must!

Glen Black

6 years ago

I was playing in a foursome and having a horrible day! One of the guys said it was amazing that I never said one four letter word or even complained! I looked at him and said, “what makes my golf game acceptable, playing good or BAD, is looking at all the beauty that surrounds me knowing that there are people unable to even swing a golf club much less see the beauty that the game of golf has allowed me to see!” He smiled and shook his head and said, “I don’t think I will ever cuss or complain again,… Read more »